Ugh. Tonight was a hard night emotionally. We are on day 2 of her chemo this round and the first half of the day was pretty good. By about 2 p.m. she started getting unreasonable and just all out demanding. I did really good coping until bed time. She hadn't had a nap and I could tell she was really tired. I so badly wanted her to go to sleep. Just emotionally I was exhausted from dealing with her all afternoon and evening. The word volatile comes to mind. She freaked out over wanting to have her new pink hat in bed with her. I at first allowed the hat, but she continually kept playing with it and would not listen to me about putting it down. I removed the hat from the bed, which sent her into a tailspin of complete hysteria. She hit me in the face at least twice and just kept screaming. Everything in me wanted to give her the hat back. But I knew that two things were true. One was that if I gave her the hat back she would continue to play with it and she would not fall asleep. Two was that if I gave into her tyraid that I would be encouraging her to react that way in the future to get what she wants.
I also know that there are all sorts of drugs in her body making her feel crazy things. Chemo drugs, zofran, mesna... I absolutely extend grace to her and do not hold her to the same standard as I did before. Not because I think that because she is sick she can act how she wants, but because I think that her being sick is causing her to act this way. She is only three. How is she supposed to handle living in a hospital, being hooked up to an IV pole 24 hours a day, and having people coming in constantly to check her and sometimes hurt her? How is she supposed to handle the way these drugs make her feel? It so unfair. The second she feel asleep next to me in bed I absolutely broke down emotionally. I felt guilt for the part I played in her getting so upset, I felt such sadness for my little girl who is having to handle things that she shouldn't have to. I feel cheated out of having my mom by my side, by my daughter's side, as we go through all of this. I could list so many more things.
Still I know that tomorrow will come. The sun will rise. And when she wakes up she will smile when she sees me. She will tell me she loves me at least 10 times tomorrow, just like she did today. We will get through her last day of chemo, and God willing we will get through this without any vomiting. And I will give God the glory. Thank you God that Your mercies are new every day. Heal our hearts. Give me the strength and wisdom that I need to be the best mom Jael needs for tomorrow.